


you're in my veins (i can't get you out)

by mapshirtlou



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Depression, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Swearing, i think thats it, like a lot of swearing, um
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-03-21 15:01:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3696713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mapshirtlou/pseuds/mapshirtlou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes it felt like Ray was a vast universe shining brightly with surprises around every corner just /waiting/ for somebody to explore them (and joel did).</p><p>Sometimes it felt like Ray was a never ending ocean filled with creatures that could terrify you to your very core just daring somebody to come and drown in it (and joel did).</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're in my veins (i can't get you out)

**Author's Note:**

> hiiiii. this idea hit me at like four AM when i saw an all caps poem and I just ran with it, and it has taken over my life for a few weeks now and I'm glad to see it done, honestly. Love you all.  
> come say hiiii:  
> tumblr: rt-gilby.tumblr.com  
> twitter- @sleepytxmmo  
> thank u so so so much!!! please let me know what you think!!!!

The thing is that Ray is in Joel's veins.

It would be easier if he was a thought in the back of his mind or a passing word through his lips but Ray managed to embed himself in Joel's very being, inside his veins and taking up his heart, and overrunning his mind.

And it's not very fair, is it? Because Joel is in his bed alone wrapped up in sheets and thoughts of what once was and what will never again be while Ray is wrapped up in someone else's arms. Joel is festering in the anger and hurt Ray left behind while Ray was allowed to move on and up without him.

Joel never though he'd find comfort in a person, or in their voice, or laugh or smile or very fucking  _being_ , but then Ray came barreling into his life and taking up every inch of Joel and his happiness and Joel was never the same. He categorized his life in terms of Ray--before, during, after.

Before was ok, Joel was floating through life on his good looks and charm and it was ok. He wasn't happy  _(because sometimes he looked at his razor and wondered what if-)_   and he wasn't sad  _(because sometimes he'd look outside and be blown away by the beauty the earth possessed and he'd smile and let the sun soak into his skin-)_  but he was ok.

During started the second Ray stepped into Joel's life. He came in quiet and hesitant with soft words and even softer touches and Joel was wary. During was amazing, happy, phenomenal; every happy word Joel could think of. Ray's quiet actions and soft touches didn't last long--he soon opened up like a flower and was brash without arrogance and self confident without being an asshole and Joel loved him, maybe. He wasn't sure when the occasional hello-how-are-you turned into not so accidental hand brushes and shy smiles and electric feelings started. He wasn't sure when friends turned into something just more than so, and then into something more than that. They had sex and Joel's skin would burn for hours after where Ray had touched him and it felt like Ray had seared his fingertips into Joel and in a way, he did. _  
_

Before Joel could say 'I don't want this' Ray was part of him. He knew Ray's hand like his own and his mind was always in sync with Joel's and they were  _one_. Joel's friends warned him, told him not to get too close and that with somebody so much younger you could never be  _sure-_

And Joel had laughed because that wasn't Ray and even if it was Ray was the blood in his veins and the stars in the sky and everything so it was too late. Ray was everything to him and the word  _toxic_ flashed in his mind but he pushed it away and pulled Ray closer to him every chance he got.

Sometimes it felt like he was trying to pull Ray tight enough to mold them together and make them one person.

Sometimes it felt like Ray was a vast universe shining brightly with surprises around every corner just _waiting_  for somebody to explore them _(and joel did)._

Sometimes it felt like Ray was a never ending ocean filled with creatures that could terrify you to your very core just daring somebody to come and drown in it _(and joel did)._

Joel didn't fancy himself a cliche, but when he did fancy himself in love, he wrote poem after poem about his brown eyes beauty and wondered if this is what it felt like to be in love.

And Joel remembered a time when they were out under the stars, Ray giggling and pressing his face into Joel's bicep before pausing, pointing up to the stars.

 _"They know,"_ he had whispered.

 _"Know what?"_ Joel had whispered back, stroking Ray's cheek absently.

_"They know we're in love."_

Every time Joel looked up at the stars after that, Ray's words echoed in his mind. Ray poisoned Joel's world; every aspect of his life reminded him of Ray.

After shook Joel to his very core. He never was one to consider himself codependent but the second Ray walked out of his life everything got a bit duller. Music wasn't as sweet, the stars weren't as bright. Half of him was missing, was walking around in somebody new's arms and how was that fair? Why did Joel have to feel like half a person but Ray was left as a whole?

Joel went from finding comfort in his favorite boy to finding it in the bottom of a bottle. His friends were worried about him but he knew an  _'i told you so'_ burned the bottom of their tongues. So Joel drank and cried and cried and drank and cried some more. It seemed that his body was sixty percent whiskey, forty percent tears and he wanted to drown in the mixture.

 Joel found his first comfort in a bartender.

"He told me once," Joel slurred, pointing harshly out the bar window. "He told me that the stars knew we were in love. I wonder if they knew he'd fallen out of love."

Joel had been going to this bar for weeks now and considered himself and the bartender friends.

"I'm sure they did," the bar-tend mused, eyes twinkling with a bated smile.

"Didn't warn me, then? Assholes," Joel muttered, knocking his drink back.

"Maybe they did and you just didn't listen. The stars have their own language you know," The bartender-Alan? Adam?-said.

And Joel shrugged, sliding the empty glass back to the man and tapping the wooden bar with his finger.

"Another."

"Sorry, dude. It's my duty as a human being to not give you alcohol poisoning. I'm cutting you off."

"Fine," Joel snapped, stumbling out of his stool and grabbing his car keys, making his way towards the front door.

"Whoa man, not happening," the man said, snatching Joel's keys from his hand. He paused, scrubbing a hand over his face briefly. "Look, it's --it's three am, yeah? You can stay here for the night. Well, not here. My apartment is above here and I have a couch you can stay on."

"Only if I can braid your beard, Alan," Joel said, cracking a small smile. The only one the bartender had ever seen.

 "Adam," he replied with a small smile. He pulled his own keys out and locked the front door, then led an incredibly intoxicated Joel up to his apartment.

He got Joel settled in and, as promised, let Joel braid his beard.

"He had a sister," Joel mumbled, then let out a bark of a laugh. "Has, I suppose. Dumped me, not her. Anyway, she was like--little, you know? Six. And--and she loved to have her hair braided, so when Ray and I visited her, he taught me to braid and I've just never forgotten. Your beard looks lovely braided, by the way."

And Adam laughed, and Joel laughed and laughed and laughed, and cried and his hands shook and his chest heaved and he felt like he was dying and vaguely hoped the ground would swallow him up because  _he did not want this._

"I don't want this," Joel sobbed, hands fisted tightly in his hair and tugging tightly. "It shouldn't have ended up like this. We were meant to stay together and get married and have fucking babies or whatever he fucking wanted! But he--he took my heart and ruined it and ruined me. I can't--everything reminds me of him and it isn't fucking fair. I don't deserve this."

"You don't," Adam agreed, moving from where he had sat on the coffee table to next to Joel, pressing a hand to Joel's knee. "You don't. But you--to move on, you need to let him go. You can't keep thinking of yourself in terms of him, you know? You're your own person. I understand feeling like he was part of you but he wasn't. You can live without him, you're ok."

Joel scoffed, shaking his head and rubbing his eyes tightly.

"Easy to say, hard to do," Joel muttered.

"You're right," Adam agreed, and they both fell silent.

And Joel paused, watching Adam quietly. Adam was staring back at Joel carefully with a cocked eyebrow, and suddenly Joel surged forward and pressed his lips to Adam's, pressing a hand against his thigh.

Adam leaned in, returning Joel's kiss deeply before pulling away suddenly. His chest heaved as he watched Joel.

"I'm not him, Joel," Adam said. "I want this, like. I've wanted this since you walked into my goddamn bar months ago. But I'm not him.

"I know that," Joel whispered.

"Do you?"

Joel didn't reply, choosing instead to lay down on the couch and pull the blanket Adam had given him around his shoulders.

His eyes burned as he listened to Adam sigh and walk away, his footsteps echoing in Joel's mind.

And it was like that for almost a year. Joel would go to Adam's bar, get piss drunk, go up to Adam's apartment, make a move, fall asleep. After awhile, Joel lost his job, and he supposed it was a blessing in disguise. A change to his melancholy routine.

But, after awhile, Adam got sick of it.

"I'm not your keeper, Joel. I can't keep taking care of you. You need to start taking care of yourself. Get a job. Stop drinking. You need help, and that's ok, go get some. Look me up when you're better, ok?"

And Joel heard it.

_"I'm worried. I love you."_

And it surprised him, because Adam never let Joel go beyond kissing him. But it also didn't, because in a way they had been almost-dating for about a year now.

So, Joel listened. He got a therapist, applied for some jobs, tried to get it together. But it was hard. He realized he had to be doing it for himself, not for Adam, or for Ray. He started with the small things that weren't so small to Joel; getting out of bed everyday, brushing his teeth, taking a shower. He then moved on to making plans with friends, eating all three meals, opening up again.

It took a few months for him to feel ok enough to get a job, and another few to work up the courage to talk to Adam.

He showed up at Adam's bar with flowers and steady hands. It was the first time he had seen the bar in daylight and honestly, it was kinda shitty. Homey, but shitty. He walked in with a tentative smile and sought out Adam's familiar face.

He found it behind the bar, washing dishes and humming quietly under his breath. Joel knocked on the door frame, standing tall when Adam turned.

"Hello. Um. I've--I did what you suggested. But..I didn't do it for you. I did it for me. I'm not where I was before Ray, and I don't know if I'll ever be, but I'm--I'm ok. Still working with Caiti, my therapist, everyday and trying. And you--my knight in shining armor, weren't you? You took care of me when I needed it and  I don't think I can ever repay you for that. But I brought you flowers, and a date offer if you'd like it."

Adam hesitated and regarded Joel with a careful smile.

"I don't believe we've met before. I'm Adam Ellis, I'm 26, and single. You are?"

And Joel cocked an eyebrow and bit his lip, but handed the flowers to Adam anyway and played along.

"Joel Heyman, 42, very much single as well. You like Chinese food?"

"Very much," Adam replied, a grin splitting his face. "Shall we?"

-

It wasn't easy, but nothing in Joel's life was ever easy. Adam helped Joel phase Ray out of his veins, his heart, his mind. It took awhile but he was once against able to look up at the stars and simply see stars.

Adam was great. Joel loved him very much, and within three years they were engaged, then married. They adopted a daughter named Phoebe and Joel was happy. 

It wasn't always happy. Some days Joel had to fight with himself to get out of bed and go to work. Others he didn't even bother, simply burrowed deeper into his covers for a few hours. After, he would emerge from his room and gather Phoebe into his arms and press kisses to her hair, then clasp Adam's hand tightly. 

Some days were colored yellow and other grey, but he was ok.

Because Ray was no longer a part of him. He was no longer in his veins.


End file.
